When things slow down a bit, I listen to my 16-month old going through his ever-growing vocabulary (and his excellent pronunciation of “Elmo” and “Apple Jews” (ok, he has to work on “juice”) and I see my husband playing with him and how they are so perfect together as father and son and I think, wow, isn’t this everything in the world I could have ever wanted?
Nothing else really matters. I do get sad a lot. And chase highs a lot. And need to feel chaos a lot. But I also like the calm a lot. I like cozying up on our too-big-for-our-living-room couch a lot. I like hugging my husband and son and dancing to “the letter of the day” music on Sesame Street a lot. These things DO make me happy. Part of me. The part of me that appreciates the quiet in the center of the storm, though I know it’s always raging around me.
With the next two weeks off from work, I can take the time to really be part of my family as I should be. I’m going to try to limit my social media usage (yes, I know I’m writing a blog post now) and get myself back to reality. I’m going to enjoy washing my laundry and scrubbing the bathroom sink. And I’ll focus on not wanting things to be so different because the same ol is kind of nice sometimes. I’m in hibernation from all my 90,000 bad habits and hope at least a few of them do not return in the new year.
I wish I could take back some things I’ve said in the past few weeks, but I’m at a point where I’m accepting what’s done is done. The best I can do is look to the future and learn to manage my impulses and focus on the things that matter. Today, I’m feeling abnormally confident that I can do this. I just hope I can really put the past behind me and move on, and make 2020 the best year yet.
life with interest 