Category: Random Musings

My father knew it all, or so he’d leave you to believe. His answers to any question never began with “I’m not sure” or “this is what I think” — his opinions were fact. Dare to challenge him and he’d belittle you and ensure you felt wrong even if the initial question could not possibly have a right or wrong answer.

In this overconfidence he seemed immortal, despite his obesity and eventual terminal cancer diagnosis. He who is never wrong, who controls the universe around him with his might, must never die. But, as of last August, a week after my son was born, he left the mortal universe, never to again state fiction as fact. Never again to get so angry in not getting his way, never again to claim the life of yet another too-new electronic object grabbed and flung across the room in rage. Never again to take on the persona of an irritable greek god.

Continue reading “On loss and living” →

When the clock strikes midnight and you turn from 34 to 35, you’re long past the years when birthdays inspire any sort of excitement, unless you have specific plans for a family known for pleasant surprises on such occasions. Even then, you realize that your birthdays now signify how fast your body is flailing around the sun faster than the speed of light towards its ultimate destiny. The feeling is both devastating and exhilarating, as every year of life, despite being the same 365 days, seems to hold greater value. There are no more days left staring at a clock, watching the second hand slowly tick by, wishing it would spin faster. No more wishing tomorrow would be here NOW. Now, I ask the minutes to tick by slower, to provide pause. They never do.

Continue reading “So this is 35.” →

On the Japanese island of Naoshima, several houses are converted to art installations of varying impact. Alone, I visited the island and did my best to check off each house as I eventually deciphered the map and winding streets from one art project to the next.

If I roll my eyes at “art” it is sometimes that which is most simple in execution that becomes most poignant over time.

Continue reading “Looking.” →

Wide awake at 3:33am. 3:33am. The past few days. It’s always “feels like 7 or 8 or 9” and “did I oversleep my alarm” and panic sets in then glance outside and see there’s no sun yet and so it must not be that late it must be just before sunrise no it’s 3:33am…

Adrenaline rushes through my veins. Dream dissolves instantly, and I don’t remember what it was, but something in it, or maybe a baby swirming in my stomach, or maybe both, causes me to wake up.

Eyes wide open.

Continue reading “I Used To Sleep Until Sunrise” →

2am can’t-sleep thoughts, in no particular order.

I think the point of adulthood hits when you decide it’s no longer worth the energy it takes to create a facade of the person you are.

It seems we have accepted in this world of ours that the only time we can be ourselves truly is when we’ve swallowed a few shots of liquor and have this mental state as an excuse for what we say and do, even if it’s our truth.

Continue reading “Be Yourself and No One Else” →