Category: Random Musings

Random Musings

Want.

by Life With InterestLeave a Comment on Want.

There seems to be a cliff dropping down to a gorge so deep it’s impossible to know how deep between reality and another reality that seems to be on the other side of it. And, in this time of coronavirus, my side of the gorge is shifting backwards, not forwards. It becomes particularly enticing to make a running leap despite knowing that there is no way the laws of physics would allow me to safely land on the other side.

Maybe it’s time to leap. I’m getting older by the second and making so little progress. I asked earlier if progress is really productive and yet I want to keep moving in some direction, ideally forward. I guess it’s just as a woman of great dreams my heart is saddened by moving away from the edge of the cliff and resolving never to even consider leaping again. To avoid falling, certainly, to the victim of my wild imagination, my constant hunger for something greater than or other than this side.

I should have leapt sooner. If I fell, I’d have fallen, but now it’s too late to try. Life is no longer about chasing that reality across the chasm it’s about sinking into routine and silence and hoping to save for the down payment on a house you will be outbid on anyway so why bother?

See, I’m an escape artist. A master of disguise so masterful I don’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror anymore. So it goes. I long to be reminded of who I am or once was, but don’t we all. For all the years of our youth we spent preparing to become ourselves in adulthood the cruel joke is that we actually were ourselves all along and ran out of time to pursue whatever it is we really wanted. So instead we are stuck, toes tight around the edge of our cliff and looking out into what is now all but an impossible leap to the other side which we can’t see anyway.

That doesn’t keep me from imagining what is feels like to be there, rolling in fresh soil, burying my toes deep, curled against the softness of how I assume it all might be, that other maybe, a thousand million miles away, instead of the actual exactly, the here and now and tomorrow that can be easily estimated and played out well in advance. At some point the desire for suspense and surprise becomes too strong. At some point she turns towards her demise and starts to sprint ahead towards that impossible leap.

Random Musings

Walk.

by Life With InterestLeave a Comment on Walk.

What could happen in the sepia blues of shadows that seep through the night as faint footsteps take a turn towards the forgotten that never was. // Tangled up in never was is a pleasant place to be, sometimes. The maybe if // if maybe //dancing in the darkness of eyelids closed and mind melodically musing interchangeably with moonlight dancing still. // // She drifts in and out of the maybes to try to seduce herself back to sleep—but there in eyes is eyes locked beneath threads of trepidation and lips caught slightly pursed as if to pounce on all the maybes in the world, the what ifs and never was and never will be. Those footsteps in the darkness // and // slip slipping into space silently surrendered still. Into the night — perhaps a portal in time and place will open up and allow the slippage — if only if — but never if — (and so) stories stay stories as it all trickles on and on and on and through and through, until she / I drift again // into waking dreams // the dreams waking the interrupted indigo of night.

Random Musings

2020.

by Life With InterestLeave a Comment on 2020.

Maybe I’m just in an uncharacteristically good mood today, or my post-massage “toxins” are intoxicating my mind, but I have a good feeling about 2020. I know the change from 12/31 to 1/1 is an arbitrary a delineation of time from one period to the next as any, but for some reason, everything feels different. I am thinking in five year chunks right now, and 2020 is the beginning of this chunk. A new beginning.

2019 was the end of trying to be something I’m not and letting that turn me into someone even worse. I am still scared but I am accepting now that failure is not only ok, but that it no longer means getting on the same horse and expecting not to fall again. I am not meant to ride a horse. I’m maybe meant to surf on starlight or fly a rocket ship. The world is full of possibilities and I’ve been so limited by fear. Fear is there for a reason but I’ve realized what is really terrifying is that 15 years into “adulthood” I still feel as lost as I did in 2005. Maybe more so, in some respects. For someone so lost, I acknowledge I’ve managed some level of achievement in all areas of my life—but everything is slightly off kilter.

The next five years are about finding my balance. Split nearly in two, the first half is dedicated to simplification and productivity. Semi-minimalism, reduced social media use, sleep, intermittent fasting, pescatarian mostly plant-based diet, daily movement, high-value time with my family, saving (not spending), and focusing through stretches of time are the themes of these 2.5 years. At the end of this time, I will be 38.5 and prepared for the next phase, the entry into my 40s. For the second half of these five years, I will add to the now-routine simplicity and healthful way of living and add substantial change. This change will lead to a 40s of fulfillment where I can build and create on a daily basis (exact meaning of that is unclear, but through phase 1 I will identify my objective and work towards acquiring knowledge to empower this transition.)

Everything starts with simplicity and sleep, starting tonight. Starting now with these “toxins” sweating out of my flesh and breathing in the fresh air of one of my favorite Bay Area towns as I take the time to walk around and fully reset. I became toxic in 2019 and there is no going back to undo my thoughts or actions. But I can change everything going forward. I can stop projecting my own lack of control into trying to (and failing to) solve everyone else’s lives. I need to love myself, as cheesy as it sounds, and truly accept the things she isn’t good at, and provide room to grow where eventually she can add the most light to the world. That light is there, at the end of the proverbial tunnel. She sees it. She feels it burning hot on her flesh. The warmth embraces her with possible possibility.

Random Musings

20 2020 Resolutions.

by Life With InterestLeave a Comment on 20 2020 Resolutions.
  1. Fast between 8pm and 12pm 6 days a week
  2. Eat 1600 calories per day 7x a week
  3. Eat a pescatarian diet w/ limited dairy
  4. Exercise at least 30 min 5x a week
  5. Hide my personality and thoughts (75% less talking)
  6. Spend 8am-2pm every Sat and 7-8pm weeknights 1×1 w/ my son
  7. If drinking alcohol, limit to 2 drinks per occasion
  8. Have clothes planned for week on Sun night
  9. Move to a 2 bedroom apartment
  10. Be the best employee I can be
  11. Go to sleep by 10pm every night
  12. Get rid of everything I do not need
  13. Increase networth by 25%+
  14. Lose 40-60lbs
  15. Learn to play basic piano chords
  16. Keep my car clean / organized
  17. Significantly reduce my use of social media
  18. Do not socialize with people outside of necessary interaction
  19. Learn how to be happy/content/not bored on my own
  20. Try a new restaurant (date night!) 1x a month w/ my husband
Random Musings

Spilled.

by Life With InterestLeave a Comment on Spilled.

If it was the cancer, I’d be devastated, still, but not living with this dripping open wound. When someone is so stubborn, it’s nearly impossible to change their behavior. Maybe entirely impossible. But still, his cause of death does not sit right with my heart, and it certainly didn’t sit right with his.

With a pacemaker put in just a week or so prior, and a box not set up properly by the rehab home that was supposed to notify the hospital in case of any problems, and a man alone with no one to help him, screaming deliriously into the night. How fast did they go to him? What happened in his last hours? He called my mother and told her how frightened he was, they were taking him on a ship. She told him to go to sleep, he was just having a bad dream. It wasn’t a bad dream. It was the worst dream. The end dream.

In my own deliriousness just a week after having my son and pumping all hours night and day to keep my milk supply alive I received a call at midnight—a few moments after going to sleep for my needed hour—that my father was dead.

All the calls and trying to coordinate doctors and convince him to accept treatment when he wasn’t in the right state of mind and beg him to eat a god damn banana to increase his potassium levels were useless or maybe caused more harm than good. I was the one who recommended the rehab by his mother’s home—I should have instead pushed for one closest to a hospital.

And yet rehab was a joke in that he was not being rehabilitated. His heart was failing. He couldn’t stand up without his blood pressure dropping to dangerous levels. I couldn’t go see him in my third trimester. I knew the end was near but did not think it was quite so near as his cancer was not spreading so fast and maybe we at least had a few months left—some time to say goodbye.

He pushed himself too hard in physical therapy to stand and no one stopped him. The last video of him my mother sent was him standing and smiling and taking a few steps. He thought he was getting better. Getting out. Maybe that’s a good thing. But if he hadn’t pushed himself so hard that day… if it wasn’t a Friday and then the weekend with less staff… if the rehab wasn’t in the middle of a big move to an entirely new building distracting the workers from their other duties… if we pushed to figure out how to get him seen by a specialist even though insurance wouldn’t cover medical transport and he couldn’t sit up… if we had yelled at the specialists to see him now not in a month and yes we know they are busy but this is an emergency… if we listened to him about not trusting the doctor at the rehab who was changing his blood pressure mediations… if he ever had a primary care doctor instead of only cancer specialists… if only healthcare wasn’t so disjointed and managed as if our bodies were one connected system instead of parts to be managed by specialists who don’t speak to each other… if only doctors at hospitals who changed out on shifts understood what the doctor on the prior shift said or recommended. It only there was some consistency and sanity in all of it.

He was a very sick, dying man. No one would question that. In his delirium his worst cake out—and the nurses and doctors did their jobs as they do, but their empathy if they had any drained with their patience. But after all of that… from the first day in the hospital in June until his passing in August and my body aching with third trimester pains and heart aching wondering if I’d ever see him again and if he’d ever meet his grandchild then breaking when I was told at midnight that horrible night that he never would… I’m a mess of a human. Crippled, more than before. It’s not like I had such a perfect relationship with my father, but I felt a responsibility to him, to hear him, to help him, to ensure he had the most peaceful death possible when it had to happen, and I achieved none of that.

Some nights he shows up in my dreams. I don’t believe in an afterlife, they are just dreams. But still, they are so real. He is there with my son and they are so happy together. And then I wake up and I remember reality. My mind slips to imaging his corpse, nearly two years buried, and the moment at his funeral I saw him dead, though I shouldn’t have, as it isn’t something Jews do, but my mother had to identify the body and my non Jewish aunt recommended I put something of my sons in his casket to bury him with. So I put the frog hat that I took my son home from the hospital in on his shoulder and looked at him dead for a few seconds but those seconds etched themselves into my mind for a lifetime and I see them each time I awake from these all-too-frequent dreams.

But death impacts all of us and we all lose our parents sooner or later. And other loved ones. And ourselves. So I try to lift myself out of this broken state and use it to fuel a drive to make the most out of every moment. I’m trying. But failing. Maybe now, nearly a year and a half later, I’m starting to truly dig out of it. To accept he’s really not coming back. That time is never enough. That memories fade no matter how hard you try to cling to them. And no matter what freezes your heart, life moves on, cold and emotionless. It doesn’t wait for you or anyone.

Random Musings

Strengths.

by Life With InterestLeave a Comment on Strengths.

I took the Gallup StrengthsFinder test three years ago but decided to take it again, in trying to figure out what on earth it is that I’m good at. Most of the results stayed the same, but the #1 result wasn’t even in my last results–so that’s interesting.

1. Restorative: Instinctively, you regularly energize people with your ideas about what can be changed or done better. You frequently describe how individuals or groups can benefit from your suggestions. Your optimistic approach is apt to inspire people to design improvement plans. You probably rally individuals to support and execute those plans. Because of your strengths, you probably struggle to recall details, names, facts, appointments, numbers, or deadlines. You routinely use one or two techniques to jar your memory when you need to remember key pieces of information. This knowledge understandably guarantees your own, someone else’s, or the group’s success. Chances are good that you gravitate to conversations in which intelligent, unemotional, and reasonable thoughts are freely exchanged. These give-and-take sessions inspire you to consider what you need to upgrade, perfect, or raise to excellence. By nature, you identify skill deficiencies, knowledge gaps, or performance shortcomings. These usually capture your attention. Having discovered these problems, you are determined to conquer them. You probably say you can do anything you decide to do as long as you apply yourself. Driven by your talents, you usually identify problems others fail to notice. You repeatedly create solutions and find the right answers. You yearn to improve things about yourself, other people, or situations. You are drawn to classes, books, or activities that promise to give you the skills and knowledge you seek.

2. Futuristic: Instinctively, you occasionally work seriously at something when you have defined the specific objective you want to reach in the near term or the long term. Remember, your other talents might influence how far into the future you can push certain goals and still give them your undivided attention. By nature, you regularly set aside the majority of your time to contemplate what the world could be like years or decades from today. Ideas come to you when you are in the company of visionary thinkers. These individuals often stimulate your inventiveness. Chances are good that you invest considerable time creating the future of your own choosing. You frequently share your ideas about what will be possible in the coming months, years, and decades. You probably capture people’s attention whenever you describe in vivid detail what you imagine. Because of your strengths, you envision what you can accomplish tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, or in the coming decades. Your goals and aspirations motivate you to keep moving forward. The tension you feel when a deadline is fast approaching forces you to concentrate on the right activities, discard irrelevant information, and not waste time on intriguing distractions. Your one aim is to reach your objectives. It’s very likely that you sometimes like being an individual performer. Why? Maybe working alone permits you to concentrate your energy on what you want to accomplish in the coming months, years, or decades.

3. Strategic: Chances are good that you can design innovative plans. You probably raise issues and identify recurring obstacles as you generate tactical options. Problems and possible solutions become apparent to you. Once you outline action steps, you quickly execute them one by one. You refuse to waste time questioning your ideas after everything has been set into motion. By nature, you generate ideas quickly. You draw clever linkages between facts, events, people, problems, or solutions. You present others with numerous options at a pace some find dizzying. Your innovative thinking tends to foster ongoing dialogue between and among the group’s participants. Instinctively, you generate innovative ideas. You have a unique perspective on events, people and situations. You probably inspire others to start projects and launch initiatives as a result of your perspective. You tend to identify a goal, devise numerous ways of reaching it and choose the best alternative. This explains why you see opportunities, trends and solutions before your teammates, classmates or peers do. Because of your strengths, you are innovative, inventive, original, and resourceful. Your mind allows you to venture beyond the commonplace, the familiar, or the obvious. You entertain ideas about the best ways to reach a goal, increase productivity, or solve a problem. First, you think of alternatives. Then you choose the best option. Driven by your talents, you customarily pinpoint the core problems and identify the best solutions. You artfully and skillfully eliminate distractions. This helps people gain a clear understanding of what is happening and why it is happening. You frequently identify ways to transform an obstacle into an opportunity.

4. Activator: Chances are good that you relieve people of the burden of having to figure out what you think, feel, and need. How? You simply tell them. Your plainspoken approach enhances their understanding of you as a person. Your straightforward expression of your needs and desires usually eliminates any confusion. Instinctively, you pay close attention to intelligent conversations. You have a knack for giving credit to individuals who make key points that advance everyone’s understanding of a theory, concept, or idea. You file away or make a mental note about this information, knowing it will be useful one day. It’s very likely that you rarely avoid telling people about yourself, your experiences, or even your shortcomings. You reflect on what you should do better, more completely, or more perfectly. You are comfortable admitting all sorts of things about yourself. Driven by your talents, you are very decisive about implementing upgrades or making enhancements. You probably realize that great ideas without action are totally meaningless. You occasionally become frustrated with individuals who lack the gumption — that is, boldness — to transform their original thoughts into tangible results. Because of your strengths, you usually declare what needs to be done. You probably rely on others to initiate discussions or small talk. Characteristically you avoid having to explain or defend your choices. You are inclined to move quickly so activity reduces the possibility of time-consuming dialogue.

5. Ideation: Instinctively, you think creatively. You see possibilities. You are inclined to reject traditional approaches to problem solving. You trust your feelings to lead you to the proper solution. It’s very likely that you are an original and innovative thinker. Others frequently rely on you to generate novel concepts, theories, plans, or solutions. You refuse to be stifled by traditions or trapped by routines. You probably bristle when someone says, “We can’t change that. We’ve always done it this way.” Driven by your talents, you automatically think of new and different ways to do things. Your mind is brimming with ideas. You probably are eager to share them with whoever will listen. Chances are good that you occasionally figure out how to get ahead and stay ahead of others. You usually generate more new ideas than anyone else in the group. Sometimes your brainpower gives you the advantage you need to succeed. Because of your strengths, you come to the assistance of individuals or groups that must invent new ways of doing everyday chores and tackling never-before-tried projects. Your imaginative mind creates all sorts of novel ideas. You probably enjoy brainstorming sessions. Why? No one is allowed to render a judgment until all the practical and outlandish ideas have been presented.

Hmm… so… those are my “strengths.” How can I apply these in a way that is productive in the real world? These days I’m drowning in my weaknesses, so it’s nice to be reminded that there are areas of my personality that can be seen as strengths if applied properly. But how?

Random Musings

And Yet Sometimes.

by Life With InterestLeave a Comment on And Yet Sometimes.

When things slow down a bit, I listen to my 16-month old going through his ever-growing vocabulary (and his excellent pronunciation of “Elmo” and “Apple Jews” (ok, he has to work on “juice”) and I see my husband playing with him and how they are so perfect together as father and son and I think, wow, isn’t this everything in the world I could have ever wanted?

Nothing else really matters. I do get sad a lot. And chase highs a lot. And need to feel chaos a lot. But I also like the calm a lot. I like cozying up on our too-big-for-our-living-room couch a lot. I like hugging my husband and son and dancing to “the letter of the day” music on Sesame Street a lot. These things DO make me happy. Part of me. The part of me that appreciates the quiet in the center of the storm, though I know it’s always raging around me.

With the next two weeks off from work, I can take the time to really be part of my family as I should be. I’m going to try to limit my social media usage (yes, I know I’m writing a blog post now) and get myself back to reality. I’m going to enjoy washing my laundry and scrubbing the bathroom sink. And I’ll focus on not wanting things to be so different because the same ol is kind of nice sometimes. I’m in hibernation from all my 90,000 bad habits and hope at least a few of them do not return in the new year.

I wish I could take back some things I’ve said in the past few weeks, but I’m at a point where I’m accepting what’s done is done. The best I can do is look to the future and learn to manage my impulses and focus on the things that matter. Today, I’m feeling abnormally confident that I can do this. I just hope I can really put the past behind me and move on, and make 2020 the best year yet.

Random Musings

Back to Square 23.

by Life With InterestLeave a Comment on Back to Square 23.

Will you ever learn? No. But you can grow.

You’ve forgotten you’re a creaky old kettle wasting away on the stove. Boiling over. Boiled over.

Someone turned on the gas. High. You didn’t notice.

You were too busy trying not to crumble.

So here you are. Ashamed you’ve spilt. No. Flailed steaming liquids everywhere around you.

It was clearly a mistake. But what can you do when that fire’s going?

It isn’t until all that’s inside you has evaporated into steam, and you are left hollow, that you can make any sense of it.

But in time, too much time, you eventually learn to accept your archaic kettleness, cracks and all.

You realize you may not control the fire but you can subtly shift where your passion explodes.

You can cause havoc or create justice.

You must get in control of the magma inside. It’s powerful and impolitely poetic.

Trying to clean up your mess is futile.

Just dig deep and study your cracks and tilt at just the right angle. Be prepared to boil over. And accept you will always make steaming messes, so they might as well be productive ones.

Random Musings

Home.

by Life With InterestLeave a Comment on Home.

The long goodbye to my first love continues. Goodbye to the walls which embraced me in my darkest times. The floors which captured my tears and laughter. The scenery that soothed me as I fell apart and puzzle pieces myself back together to survive another day.

Downstairs, the spaces which, since altered, once held me as I listened to my “The Little Mermaid” tape to capture the lyrics of “Part of Your World” pausing and rewinding every second (for the record it’s not pregnant women, sick of swimming, ready to stand), the same floor where I made a brilliant stop motion video about The Bluest Eye, the spot where I came home from school one day, having forgotten my key, and climbed through an unlocked window and fell face first into the game room, successfully entering, nonetheless. And I walk barefoot on the floors where countless games of War were played and Erector sets were erected in the best moments with my father, in happier times.

Continue reading “Home.” →