Category: Motherhood

Where is the time going? Perhaps it’s going to non-existant sleep. My son, Ethan, is now 6 Weeks old. In adult time, six weeks is a blink. In baby time, it’s 42 days of rapid changes, turning from a tiny newborn to a ravenous infant, staring at the world in wonder in between waves of frequent meltdowns.

It’s odd having my child’s milestone birth months and years mark the passing of my father. Just one week after celebrating my kid’s first birthday, I’ll be mourning the loss of my dad. And so it will go every year, every birthday, for the rest of forever. I’m trying my best to not think about dad much these days, as I’m in pure survival mode. I want not to be distracted by the feelings of panic and guilt and loss, which pop up every now and again. I put them on silent mode and proceed to attempt my game of “get baby to latch.”

Continue reading “6 Weeks, 5 Weeks, 4 3 2 1…” →

Every family has their own way of expressing love. Some individuals feel like love is expressed through providing security. Others, through empathy, kindness, support and forgiveness. And there are a million more ways love exists…

My family never said I love you. We never gave each other hugs, or if we did it was an awkward side hug paired with an eye roll. If love was expressed in being a provider, this was only allowed in one direction — from the top down. Trying to offer support was met with immediate rejection, even when, unknowingly, that support was the most needed.

Continue reading “The Simple Joys of Love” →

In the minutes between meltdowns, and the moments between staring out at the world in awe and terror, you sleep. You dream. You lie across my chest, the perfect fit, with your little head softly resting against the pillow of my bare breast. You dream intensely — perhaps of memories in the womb, or smile at thoughts of quickly swallowing sweet milk from a bottle, or colors and lights you’ve learned that day. You shiver in fear out of nowhere and then return to contentment. I still wonder how you dream without words or comprehension to tell a cohesive story. To you, life is a constant acid trip, and as I’ve never done acid, I don’t know what that’s like and can only imagine.

Continue reading “Ethan: 3 weeks old” →

How easy it is to fall apart and break down. Even in my moments of strength I find a stray thought can rattle my mind like a tiny bullet fragment finding its way in silently and shattering any semblance of calm, happy, ok.

There is this little person sleeping in my bed. I don’t know who he is and despite certainly being there when he was born I have the sense that he was either adopted or dropped off by a stork in the middle of the night. He doesn’t look much like a baby but instead a miniature person complete with facial expressions one would expect from an old man more than a newborn child. But in the early morning hours when my husband sleeps and I hope this little creature I know deep down that he feels safe in my arms because he is my son. He is the creature that grew from nothing to a human in nine months in my now stretch marked, dangling-skinned stomach that recently was home to this grunting little being.

Continue reading “Trying to Hold it Together and Cherish Every Second” →

Tales from the Pump is an honest series from a new, 30-something mom — who writes quick posts while pumping for her baby since he isn’t yet latching, and she needs to stop using this time to buy cute things on Amazon since she no longer is getting a full paycheck and blogging doesn’t cost anything and her husband is starting to grow concerned about the number of boxes from Amazon arriving daily — but do you KNOW how many cute frog-related baby things there are on Amazon — do you?

…

While the first two weeks of being a mother were interrupted sadly by the passing of my father, I’m focused now on documenting the happier and less tragically eventful moments of this period of my life since my child left the NICU and we were able to bring him home with us. One day I’ll be able to write about the painful situation with my dad, maybe a whole book on it, but today is not that day.

Continue reading “Tales from the Pump: Momming, Week 1 & 2 (Part 1 of Many)” →

This story really starts 19 years ago when I was 15 at my first gynecologist appointment, when I was told, due to symptoms I was having, that I should be able to have kids “as long as I have them by age 30.”

Fast forward 18 years, and I’ve already well passed that deadline. Nonetheless, I finally found myself ready to have a child. Being ready didn’t mean my body was ready. But after a few months of fertility treatment the stars aligned and on my 34th birthday I confirmed I was pregnant with my first child.

Continue reading “Childbirth: Uncensored.” →

Having a child is a scary experience no matter what — and at the current moment I’m not sure where my 32 hours spent in L&D fit on the scale of worst case scenerios in giving birth. What I suspect is that on the scale, I’m relatively low down, but I’ve also learned and am trying to come to terms with how this can change at any moment.

Going into L&D when you’re already in labor must be a generally good experience. Going into L&D when your blood pressure is high enough that they can’t medically allow you to go home, and you haven’t actually gone into labor yet, is typically not. Despite it now being my “due date” my body is clearly not ready to have this baby. But for my own health and my child’s health, I have to have baby soon.

Continue reading “Birthing a Baby, Day 2, Little Progress” →

Let’s not discuss that this soon-to-be first-time-mom who is considering an epidural-free birth required an anesthesiologist to, after two failed attempts from well-meaning nurses, get an IV in her arm — that’s a laughing matter for another time. The reality is that I’m supposed to be sleeping in a triage room at the hospital because I convinced the doctor that they should give me until morning to start their now recommended induction process.

The good news is that as of tomorrow, I’m 39 weeks + 6 days pregnant. In other words, I’m full term, and inducing a baby at this point is a lot lower risk than it would have been, say, a week or two ago. But, I’ve been hoping for an induction-free birth — -and my body just isn’t ready yet, so they want to give me this drug that — as I’ve been reading about all night that I’m supposed to be sleeping — is not even FDA approved for the induction of labor. Got to love how scientific medicine is until it isn’t.

Continue reading “Childbirth is Scary and I’m a Wimp” →

At 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I know this mutant being inside my stretch-marked balloon of a belly could make its way through its escape hatch any day now. I’ve been describing the feeling, at least emotionally, much like being on a roller coaster with a very long and steep incline, slowly click, click, clicking up it, unable to see exactly where the peak is but knowing you’re getting there… soon… and knowing once you do, you won’t know what’s up or down for a while, and no matter what, even now, you can’t turn back.

I’ve been reading maybe too much about all the things that can go wrong during childbirth and also how much it’s going to hurt. I’m not anti-epidural, but I dislike the idea of anything touching my spine, and the side effects that epidurals can cause. I’ll probably get one anyway. I’m hoping for a fast and easy labor but I’m not expecting one. I’m just preparing myself emotionally for a 72 hours of horror and hopefully a healthy baby and reasonably fast recovery in order to move on, safely, to being a mom and such.

Continue reading “Still Pregnant.” →