When you’re you but you aren’t you, your mind racing and all the world alive with possibility and excitement and shouldn’t but should, you feel whole yet like a thousand pieces of you flipped inside out and upside down and stuck themselves back together to be whoever it is you are in that moment, electrified. Days, weeks, months later you look back at it and wonder who that was.
When the quiet comes it’s as if you’ve been running, running, running and then all the sudden everything is still–still–still. There is no more motor running, your boat is just there splashing about, barely staying afloat, ignorant of how it already is filling with water, preparing to sink deep into the dark blue of the depressed sea.
When the quiet comes, you wonder who you are if who you were wasn’t her and who you feel like today may be no more her than who you were then or who you will be tomorrow. It’s not as if you are multiple people, you’re you but you’re not you you are you on fire and you unable to move and you basically functioning and you embarrassed by all the things you said when you were you but you weren’t you.
When the quiet comes, you express your gratitude for not crash breaking the fragile state of stability that you’ve grown to love and need and take for granted. You wish you could take back so many things but you can’t and so you decide it’s best to move on and try to pretend you were never that, then. You invest in your health and trying to get into a routine and trying to socialize and be yourself but not too much of yourself that you scare off the people you’d like to get to know.
When the quiet comes, it is satisfying to throw out the trash that has been piling up and go for long walks under hazy blue skies and lie in grass and let sunlight sink into your skin. To be the mother that you are and the wife that you’ve been and the employee that you want to be. You can think straight for once in so long and try to pull all the pieces back together that fell apart in their hopeless exhaustion and manic mood melodies up and down and up and up and up and down again you went, but now, the quiet is here, for now, and so you embrace it, you cautiously cradle the calm.
life with interest 