How are you doing?

It is a nicety and essential question of small talk: “how are you doing?” Variants of this question include “how was your weekend?” or more directional “don’t you feel amazing today, the weather is just perfect?”

Well, it becomes challenging to answer “how are you doing” with the socially appropriate response when you are challenged in your current state of mental health. The “correct” answer is always “good” or “great” but here’s a list of alternate answers that may be socially incorrect but a bit more accurate…

• I’m horrible at the moment, thanks.
• Ok. Why in this context does Ok sound not Ok? Like anything less than good is not Ok?
• I was just contemplating the most painless way to put an end to my existence but I’m doing great! High five!
• Didn’t sleep much last night. I have a toddler.
• Didn’t sleep much last night. My mind was racing. I had a thousand ideas and wrote two blog posts. I’m tired now gosh darn it.
• Didn’t sleep much last night. Was crying for hours then binge watched some series on Netflix then the sun came up.
• Numb. Like. What are feelings anyway?
• I think my feelings are better explained in an impromptu song and dance. (Starts to sing)
• Really shitty. But I’ve come here to binge on candy and chips so I’ll feel worse soon, don’t you worry.
• Spectacular. I just finished something and I think it was good. But don’t ask me later because I’m sure someone will tell me it wasn’t as good as I thought and then I will feel the opposite of spectacular.
• I don’t know. I thought I was ok. But then I just remembered that Trump is president and our cops are shooting innocent people and getting away with it and the world is filled with horrible selfish people and I think I’m pretty horrible and selfish but at least I’m not a republican. You?
• Like the Bay Area is too fucking expensive to live in. WTF?
• Restless. Like I want to start a fight. Any interest? Oh wait I don’t know how to fight. Want to punch me in the face? That would be exciting. No, seriously. Punch me.
• Sick. (Oh do you have a cold?) Mentally (said staring back blankly into the asker’s eyes.)
• I plead the fifth.
• You don’t want to know. If you do, read my blog at…
• If I told you I’d have to kill you.
• Like I don’t fit in here or anywhere else. You?
• Hyper as fuck.
• I do not have an HR-appropriate response to this question.
• Let me send you my Spotify playlist that answers this appropriately. Think lots of Radiohead and Coldplay.
• Can’t you tell by looking at my hair?
• Unsure if I’m actually here at present or this all a dream or reality split in two this morning and if so I hope other me is faring better.
• Well, I gotta pee. That’s why I am walking to the bathroom. Can we discuss my feelings later or else I’m going to feel something else and I won’t want to tell you about it but I promise you it will ruin my day.
• Like an idiot because I overshared my overthoughts again and made things awkward and potentially harmed a friendship that means the world to me and I’m so mad at myself right now and want to erase the entirety of last week. How’s your morning going?
• Great. (Starts to cry.)
• Feeling sad because I don’t know if I can or should have more children and being pregnant is hard and having young kids is hard and I work full time and need to be employed for a year at one place to get maternity leave and my mental health challenges make that very difficult and I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job at the absolute worst time so I probably should not have another child but I want one and I’m getting older and… oh, you didn’t want to know all of that? Why did you ask?
• Am I awake? Are you awake?
• My back and arm hurts but I accidentally overdosed on Aleve so feeling great!
• Like the world’s worst mom.
• Good. I think. Wow. This is what feeling good feels like. Thanks for asking!
• What are feelings? Why are feelings.
• Pinch me and I’ll tell you.
• Fuckkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Fine.
• Confused.
• Good. Good. Good. So good.
• 36
• 16
• 8
• 2
• 82
• Like an imposter.
• Generally ok.
• Fleshy.
• Maybe alright?
• Hungover. From 5 days ago.
• Horny. I’m feeling horny. You?
• Embarrassed. Chronically embarrassed.
• Like I wish I was someone else.
• Better than yesterday.
• From 0-10? About a 2.
• From 0-10? About 1000!
• From 0-10? -1000. Can I leave now?
• So excited! Isn’t it amazing today?
• Fearful that life has no meaning.
• Like my bones can feel the heaviness of the season and are cracking with each step.
• Infatuated.
• Extremely apathetic.
• Mildly sociopathic.
• Hypersensitive.
• What?
• The best I’ll ever feel.
• Like a magnet.
• Like a magnet that repels everyone around me.
• Like a human.
• Like someone slowly dying and existing in a meaningless void of space but appreciating that existence nonetheless because why the fuck shouldn’t I, you know, it’s all pointless so I’ve got to make it all pointy to feel anything at all. So, how’s your day going? How do YOU feel?