It’s impossible to prepare for what life will be like once you have children, and it’s equally impossible to know and plan for exactly how it will impact you as an employee.
My story nine and some-odd months in is undoubtedly different from other working parent’s stories, but after reading End the Plague of Secret Parenting from The Atlantic this morning, I thought of my desk void of any signs of my son, outside of my discreet pump bag (well, as discreet as a massively giant bag can be) and how my life now is split not-so neatly in two and wondered — is this the only way to exist as a professional person who happens to also be a parent?
There are days when it’s hard to keep the split so neatly divided — days like today, when my body has, for the nth time this year, given in to the lack of sleep and poor self care and developed an illness that takes longer to recover from then I’m used to — because I’m still not sleeping enough to let my body properly return to 100%. Why? Because I have a cranky, hungry son who still wakes up every 3 hours in the night to eat, and I’m still his primary source of nutrition. We’re hopeful we’ll get him to sleep through the night soon… then again, we were also hopeful of that for the last nine months.
But at work, as I hope others don’t pay too much attention to my exhausted state, I know it’s impossible to hide. The more tired you are, the more careless mistakes you make. Working parents of both genders surely struggle with exhaustion — but no one talks about it, because you’re expected to, in 3 months after you give birth (if you are lucky enough to have that much time off), be able to give the same 100% you gave prior to having a child. If you fail to do this, then you miss out on career growth or worse. If you do this — well, I don’t know how you do this.
There are many positives to working full time with a child. If I didn’t have my job and I stayed at home (if that was even financially a possibility) I would feel like I’ve lost myself. I like getting up in the morning, going to an office, interacting with other adults, collaborating on projects, having impact on something bigger than just myself and my family. I am fortunate that I live in California where I have a decent amount of protected time off, and that I was able to save some of my time off for the end of my first year. The hardest part about being a working mom is not actually working — it’s having to sleep when your child sleeps, or you never will — so that 10pm inspiration to finish a project just has to wait. And after a night of little sleep, deciding how much coffee to drink because if you have any that caffeine will go into the pumped breastmilk and end up keeping your baby up even more nights.
Pumping is a challenge too — although in my case it’s been generally ok. I’m fortunate that we have a room for pumping which happens to be close to my desk, and for better or worse there are few nursing mothers in our office so I haven’t had an issue with scheduling (with the exception of one time the room accidentally got locked and the person with the key had left the office.) In case you haven’t experienced what it’s like to not pump on time — it is extremely painful and the pain doesn’t go away until you’re able to express milk. This can be an issue in meetings, especially ones that are impromptu and have no clear end time and are being led by men or women who have never experienced pumping before. It also is challenging on days when I’m managing projects that have little time to break, but I’ve made it work (worst case I have my Spectra S1 rechargeable pump and I can pump in my car — or, in the case of a conference — in the bathroom.)
Otherwise, I feel generally good about being a working mother. It’s just interesting to me that there is a culture where it is more appropriate to talk about your dogs than your kids at work. Not that there is anything wrong with talking about dogs — but it’s unspoken that talking about your kids could impact your career, if not directly, than due to unconscious bias. Everyone knows I had a baby (I was quite obviously pregnant for most of last year), but it dawned on me that my success is ensuring they all forget, and there are days when I know I’m failing at that. I try to tell myself that all I can do is do my best, but beyond this I’m learning I need to address my processes and add steps and checks in the way to ensure mistakes aren’t made due to being so tired. It is my job to solve for this new reality.
I certainly don’t want special treatment for having a child — nor do I want to be seen as incapable of whatever it was I was capable of in my career before I had a child. It is hard — harder for single parents, those who cannot afford childcare or healthcare, those with multiple children, and those who do not get a full 3 months or more off to recover and bond with their child. I am so grateful for my job and the support I have from my husband’s family while at work. But being a working parent, especially being a working mother, is hard in its own way for all parents (and all caregivers.) It is a sea that must be navigated cautiously with little guidance and largely on one’s own. It can be exhilarating but also quite isolating with success equalling no one realizing your ship is constantly sinking just a little bit, or maybe a lot bit, because that means, if you’re lucky, you may not see the worst of the motherhood penalty and perhaps your career can continue to flourish.
life with interest 