The days have begun to blur, an animated cartoon wheel of faces and crying baby and occasionally finding the mental and physical energy to do something productive, that one thing for the day when there is enough quiet in the world to make progress: fold some laundry, make (who are we kidding — order) dinner, go for a walk (or, heck, get outside at all.)
I now have a front row seat to understanding what mothers who have birthed before me have shared — this isn’t easy. You can love it and be completely beside yourself at the same time. You can find yourself sad, irritable, exhausted, confused, and wondering if you will ever be a good mother, and then in that exact moment something goes wrong.
My saving grace is my ongoing forced internal monologue that as long as my baby doesn’t die (or is rushed to the hospital through fault of my own) I must be doing ok. Babies are remarkably resilient. I’m just starting to connect with mine. His NICU stay, despite being only 36 hours, did a number on us. I see now why breastfeeding, while not medically necessary to having a healthy baby, is crucial to bonding in these early days. Perhaps if we had established this successfully earlier on I’d be in a better place today. But we’re still learning. He screams at me at I try to be patient hoping this time he will calm himself long enough to forget how much he loves the ease of the bottle. And, nothing can prepare you for the heartbreak of a newborn turning away in disgust from your own breast and then having to work hour after hour to teach him that my body is not his enemy.
I dreamt of these tiny bugs that turn into babies with sharp claws and yet they looked at me with those sweet baby eyes I knew I had to save them. This is what it’s like being a mother, in dream exposition. Even little bugs with claws are worth loving and saving.
I think every day it gets a little better. Not fast enough, and sometimes five steps back, but maybe I can see the light at the end of this tunnel. The day, in the near future, when I’m capable of being human again. It must happen as I have no choice either way. And I want to be a strong mother and role model for my son. I’ll stand when I have to. I’m grateful for a few more weeks to pull myself together. To try to figure this all out. Because even with a truly wonderful and supportive husband and partner, there is nothing biologically, physically and emotionally like being a new mom. And so, I try my best.
life with interest 