Floating Thoughts

Guilt, when you know you did a lot but not enough, when you know there’s no going back, when you know you tried but you could have tried harder, when you are devastated and angry and feel so alone and want to forget but you can’t because the wound is fresh and you’re trying to focus on happy moments these moments that should be so sweet and precious but instead your mind is lost, caught in an endless nightmare of what ifs what if what if you had followed your gut and didn’t just say something is wrong but instead you somehow made someone listen and you didn’t just wait you didn’t just wait until you went to sleep at 11 at night finally to get some rest for three blissful hours to be woken up at midnight by an emergency call to be told he is gone after all that you tried but you didn’t try hard enough you couldn’t you wanted to but you were tired and sore and focusing on creating life and also trying to save a life from across the country and you know you could have done more but you didn’t and you will forever feel that sick pit of guilt knotted in your stomach where innocence once lived but now it’s filled with the darkness of life and death and wishing you could say you did all you could and everyone else says you tried your best you in fact did all you could but I don’t believe them I don’t think I did I didn’t do enough I could have done more I’ll never forgive myself and I still don’t have the answers I need for closure and I feel so lost and alone and I can’t stop crying and I just need focus on being a good mom which is hard as it is but I’m spiraling each moment like I’m caught in a bad dream and I am just waiting to wake up but I never will because he is gone and I saw him there even though I wasn’t supposed to but then I did I saw him there in the casket and I placed on him the hat my son wore coming home from the hospital and I felt all of the happiness and hope and dreams he felt when he heard my son was born and the anxiety he felt when he heard my son was in the NICU and the thrill of knowing my son was healthy again and that he’d get to meet him one day soon and all the memories that will never be made all the chances to get to know each other even for a few days, weeks, months that are gone and — today I realized I named my son after my father even though I didn’t mean to, as my father’s name means strong eagle and my son’s name means strong and I’ve been calling him “bird” and so my son he is named after my father even if not on purpose and I’m spiraling in circles of thoughts of what if and if only and why didn’t I and there’s nothing I can do now but focus on loving my husband and son and making the most of the moments of life of all that’s fleeting and focus on not wanting anything more than what I have here and simplifying and throwing things out and organizing and trying so desperately to find happiness in all the moments of good and forget so many even though I know I tried I know I did since June since I found you there since I went every day to the hospital and tried to help you but the medical system is so messed up and the coordination is a disaster and I couldn’t advocate for you properly I couldn’t especially not after I came back to the west coast and I feel like I deserted you and you were so scared and all you wanted was to go home and you never got to you never had the chance. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more. I’m sorry I couldn’t buy you more time. I’m sorry I told you to trust the doctor when he probably shouldn’t have been trusted. I’m sorry I didn’t do more when I knew you were incapable of asking for help. I’ll carry this guilt with me to my grave — I’ll forever wonder why I didn’t listen to my gut and why I didn’t do more.