2am can’t-sleep thoughts, in no particular order.
I think the point of adulthood hits when you decide it’s no longer worth the energy it takes to create a facade of the person you are.
It seems we have accepted in this world of ours that the only time we can be ourselves truly is when we’ve swallowed a few shots of liquor and have this mental state as an excuse for what we say and do, even if it’s our truth.
I’m guilty of this as much as the next person. Although I don’t drink much, being not able to drink for the past six months in situations where I normally would has been eye opening. I don’t need the alcohol to let loose, nor do I need to be in said situations to be this person I am and who I always was. She’s effortlessly awkward, occasionally on point with a punchline, and genuinely interested in connecting with smart, witty, and authentic people who seek similar connections.
Tonight, I can barely feel my legs. It’s 2am and I my eyes have jolted open after a successful 3 hours of sleep (if you can call that successful,) following 2+ hours of dancing like a loon at a work conference party. Every muscle in my legs is tingling right now that tingle of “you’re going to regret this tomorrow.” My feet are beyond sore. I’m pretty sure one of my toes is attempting to self amputate. I’m listening to the gentle buzz of my laptop, the whirl of the air conditioner, and the silence of the night. I’m feeling slightly less alone, slightly more connected, slightly more at peace.
…
And, for what it’s worth, I’m truly grateful for a challenging childhood — which certainly gave me a host of mental health issues — but also enabled me to learn to spin any situation (one had to in that environment) and to improvise quickly in stressful moments. How to always be ready to solve a problem. To escape the worst possible scenerio. Living in a constant state of crisis is not helpful, but learning early how to navigate crisis is a gift.
But I’m also trying really hard to embrace stillness. To find satisfaction in simplicity. To not allow my lens of satisfaction to be so polluted by this hunger for things to be somehow broken, so I can be in a persistent state of fixing — always making progress, never quite done. It’s tiring to say the least. I long to find happiness without first sailing through a tortured storm. To find and nurture meaningful connections with the right people in the world. To embrace the notion that the right people are those who find something valuable to gain from your openness, your light, your empathy and love.
It is breathtaking to, for a moment, embrace your sober self as a creature worthy of everything this universe has to offer. To listen to this whoosh of silence and to feel ever-so-slightly less alone, in being what is peculiarly and divinely human for a blip of time that happens to be now.
life with interest 