Month one I was super sick — but not with morning sickness. I caught every non-feverish cold I could, and lost my voice for an entire week. Given I rarely get sick, I was worried that my immune system had crashed and this would be the rest of my pregnancy. Luckily, it wasn’t. Voice came back and I was fine.
I was extremely concerned about having morning sickness at work (with an open office environment, people would certainly notice me making a bee-line for the bathroom every single day and looking queasy), but it didn’t happen. Whenever I felt a little off I just ate something carb-y and magically felt ok.
25 pounds and 25 weeks later, the “finish line” (or should I call it “start line”) is in sight. In about 15 weeks, this little person squirming around occasionally in my stomach will be here. I’ll be a mom.
Just this week, movement has started to get a bit more difficult. I’ve had some pain in sitting for too long periods of time for a while now, but the weight of this pregnancy is definitely starting to be noticable in my legs, especially through my workouts and/or days I have a lot of standing and walking around to do (although I know it’s good for me to move, so I push through it.) This Thursday night I was especially drained… probably due to a fairly hard (for me) prenatal exercise class Wednesday night followed by an action-packed day at work on Thursday. My body just felt spent, achy, and possibly craving some nutrients it was lacking to make it whole again.
The women in my exercise classes are certainly inspiring. Many of them come in at 37, 38 or even 39 weeks, doing the same movements I’m doing, and making it look easy while I’m grunting and making the most horrific faces. But, seeing other women that far along being able to move well gives me hope, and makes me want to keep up this exercise to be anything remotely like that in the weeks leading up to birth.
This week, I hired a doula, because I have this probably not-going-to-happen idea of having a “natural birth,” primarily because I don’t like anything touching my spine and am more worried about not being able to feel half of my body than the pain which childbirth brings. I’m perfectly willing to ask for drugs if I need them — but I’ve also read one too many stories where the drugs didn’t quite work or the birth went too fast and there wasn’t time to administer them, that I want to be prepared for a natural labor if it happens even if it’s not by choice.
Birth is going to be hard, no matter how I approach it. I have a rather low pain tolerence, but I’m not sure that matters when a 10 pound, give or take, human being is rushing their way out of you. I just keep telling myself if it was that bad, no one would do it again, and again, and again. Yet women have more than one child in many cases, and few have said “I will never give birth again.”
In a strange way, I’m looking forward to it. I’ve spent all of my life trying to feel in control of just about everything (which I fail at on the regular) and the lesson I’m finding from birth stories is that this is a moment that is relatively safe but you have no option but to just give in to this force that is so much greater than you are. Yes, it is a painful force, but it’s something that empowers you as much as it makes you say things like “I can’t do this” and “I think I’m dying” and “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh f*$k!!!!!!”
I’m still scared shitless of what childbirth will be like, and prepared to ask for an epidural if the pain gets too intense (spoiler alert, this will likely happen.) But, I’m trying to read up on natural birth and make it a maybe on my list of what’s going to happen in the next five months.
Being a first-time-mom at almost-35, I definitely feel like I have lived life. I always worried that if I have kids, I’d feel like I’m missing out on something. I’m not quite where I thought I’d be at this stage of my life, but nonetheless, I’ve lived it. There are still places in the world I’d like to see, but I’ve experienced quite a bit of it. I had a fairly unadventerous 20s once I met my husband (we dated for 10 years before getting married) but even that time was a long phase of growth, through performing and directing theatre, meeting new people, transitioning through different jobs, and just experiencing the passing of time and acknowledging time on its own does not change people.
Don’t get me wrong, I still look in the mirror everyday and ask myself “am I crazy for thinking I can be a mother?” But, what is a mother other than a person who brings another person into the world, and loves that person unconditionally, and tries to keep them safe while teach them how to do this on their own. Animals have been doing this for the entirety of life’s existence, so why can’t I?
life with interest 