Maybe it’s just the pregnancy hormones, but I’ve been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster lately. Well, the reality is I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster my entire life, so it’s not exactly that different at the moment. But I do think some of those highs and lows of my teens and 20s are coming back in full force.
That said, there’s a lot of good things happening right now, and I’ve been reminded (in searching the internet at odd hours of the night due to my pregnancy-induced insomnia) that the best cure for feeling down is gratitude. Even though I’ll never be a #blessed type, I do feel grateful for many things in my life that are actually pretty amazing. This doesn’t remove the desire to want to stop feeling like such an alien all the time, but it does provide an important reminder that things are ok.
10 Things I’m grateful for, in no particular order.
- My Husband: I know I don’t deserve a guy who is as sweet and kind and handsome and (generally) patient as he is with a looney toon like me — and yet, he’s been there for me through the last 12 years of life, and I know he’ll be there for the rest of it. 12 years ago I was convinced I’d be alone forever, or with someone who I couldn’t be myself around. But we’re from the same “space bucket” as we like to say (you know, that place in the universe where atoms hang out until they form into people.)
- My Soon-to-Be Child: I don’t even have the words to express how grateful I am for this person I don’t know yet. I’m grateful that, even though I’m terrified of it, I’ll get to experience being a mom and all that entails. Relatedly, I’m grateful that our infertility treatment ended up costing $6000 and not $50,000, as we were very fortunate to not require IVF (which we were about to move onto) to make “Toad” (name for our baby until baby is born.)
- My So-Far, So-Good Pregnancy: ok, it’s starting to hurt to sit down for long periods of time, but overall I’ve had a very smooth pregnancy. I somehow managed to escape the first trimester unscathed by morning sickness and all of the tests for baby’s health so far have come back in the clear. I’m sure as I grow a baby for the next 18 weeks this will get harder, but so far things have been going well and I’m very grateful for that.
- My Apartment: I’m grateful for my cozy one bedroom apartment which is perfectly located between any grocery store I could ever want to shop at and a nice downtown area filled with people who have way more exciting social lives than I ever will. I’m grateful that my bedroom has plenty of room for a king-sized bed and a small crib, and even moreso that I’ve given up any self judgement around raising a kid in a one-bedroom apartment (and not a house.)
- My Friends: I know I never see them, but I also know they are there for me if I need them. Facebook has its pros and cons, but definitely being able to stay connected to people who I went to high school and college with (the few worth staying in touch with) has been a blessing. Maybe in the past we would have sent snail mail cards and such, but I feel a bit more connected to these people I care about this way, and that means a lot to me.
- My Job: I’m extremely grateful for my job. I genuinely like the people I work with, the company has a great product, and I get to focus on projects that I’m better suited for than, say, running an entire startup marketing team (for now, anyway.) I’m so grateful for this opportunity, and for people willing to take a chance on me and who believe in the value I can add to an organization.
- My Family: yes, they’re a nutty bunch and we don’t always get along. But I’m still grateful to everyone in my family — my parents for teaching me to appreciate the arts, to push myself to always be better, and who provided a really comfortable life in a lovely suburban NJ home throughout my childhood. And my sister, who I’m so grateful to have in my life, even though I don’t see her nearly often enough. And, of course, my extended family of aunts and uncles and cousins — a network of talented and opinionated folks who never cease to entertain.
- Blue Apron and Marley Spoon: maybe this is a weird one to be grateful for — but before my husband and I started these “cook it yourself” services, we were eating such crap all the time and/or spending too much on eating out. I always enjoyed cooking, but was too overwhelmed to figure out what recipe to make and find the right ingredients and then usually screw up my dish. Although we don’t plan to use the services forever, we have learned a ton about cooking — and it’s really nice to come home to a hot meal that my husband has prepared (and on the weekends, I do the cooking, which I’ve learned can be quite meditative, until you burn the rice.) Cooking is one of those adulting skills that is so important. I look forward to cooking with my kid and teaching him/her how fun it can be to cook for yourself!
- THE BAY AREA: It will never get old to me. I remember 11 years ago when someone suggested I take 280 vs 101 and I was introduced to a freeway that makes my heart skip a beat every morning, should I choose to go a little out of the way to take it. When it rains here, it’s beautiful. When it’s sunny, it’s dreamy. It does get a bit dry in the summer, but spring, in a good year, is filled with a billion beautiful flowers and a gentle breeze. There are ample opportunities for day trips and road trips — up to Marin (where my aunt lives, and a favorite place to visit for the weekend… and honestly why I moved out to California in the first place, Sausalito, you stole my heart — is that not the song?) with its crown jewel and favorite-place-ever Point Reyes, then down the coast to Monterey and Carmel, Big Sur, Santa Cruz, and the San Francisco skyline from all angles, the little mini cities up and down the Peninsula, the urban/suburban sprawl of San Jose and Silicon Valley, the east bay with its eclectic and diverse culture, Tahoe and Yosemite and the Central Coast and Los Angeles (not technically part of the Bay Area, but all easily reachable.) The parks nearby. The rainbows that show up at the most unlikely times. And oceans and bays and a thousand opportunities to sit and listen to the waves (I don’t do it nearly enough.) Yes, it’s freaking expensive here. Yes, it’s worth every penny.
- Shifting Tides: Even though I am saddened by our current political climate, I feel the tides are changing. This isn’t a conservative vs liberal thing, it’s a care about people and humanity vs every-man-in-it-for-themselves thing. It’s seeing these kids and teens come out of the wordwork to stand up against the lack of gun control in this country. It’s the changing of the guard. It won’t happen overnight. It may get uglier before the storm ends. But I have faith we are headed in the right direction — that humanity isn’t going off the deep end any time soon. I can’t say I’m much a part of it, but I’m grateful to live in a time when things are changing, and I feel it’s for the better.
And, with those 10 things I’m grateful for, I must admit, I do feel better already. It’s far too easy to wallow in self pity but there are some good things going on as well… lots of them, actually. With that, I think I’ll try to go back ot sleep since it’s 3:30am and I woke up 2.5 hrs ago filled with lots of energy. I think, maybe, I’m starting to feel the baby move and it might be kicking me awake. If baby is anything like its dad, it’s going to be up all night.
life with interest 