Although for normal pregnancies, it’s not even possible to find out the gender until 18–20 weeks (without paying for additional blood work anyway), the first thing anyone asked me when I’ve told them I’m expecting (or second after “when are you due?”) is “do you know what you’re having?”
It’s truly crazy how much our sexual organs influence our life from even before we are born. And, even though I hope to allow my child the gender fluidity their needs to determine their own preferences on the feminine to masculine spectrum, I’m kicking myself for having any pre-conceived notions about the baby’s sex and gender. But certainly, they’re there.
Whenever I’ve thought about having a child, I’ve always pictured a little girl. A little tiny version of myself who happens to have my husband’s green eyes and nose and, one-day, height. I’ve thought often about how to raise a strong female child — and worried my own anxieties and personality challenges would interfere with showing this growing blob of a person how to be in the world as a woman.
Then, come the gendered thoughts — even though I know it’s a crapshoot if the kid will enjoy going to see musicals or playing dress up and having tea (and a boy could be into this all the same.) I’ll put her in my old clothes boxed up somewhere in the New Jersey house attic and let her pick carefully-screened selections from my old boxes of toys (in a few years, it will be time to dig out that box of half-headless barbies. (Yes, my parents have hoarding tendencies to still have all that junk, but in this case I think it will be fun to share my childhood with her.))
In addition to offering her my collection of barbies, I’ll also share with her my “not-so-feminine” childhood pasttime of collecting bugs and worms. And, although most of my old toys are quite gendered female, there are a few “boy” toys in there that I enjoyed as a kid too. And I can bring in new toys and ideas into her life to ensure that not everything she touches before age three is pink.
I don’t know how I will be able to keep a girl away from the pressures of the world that are largely directed at young women — this constant reminder from society that women are supposed to be flawless and be everything. Girls, at some point, stop trusting the opinions of their mothers. Adolescence can be very rough for a girl — and a boy — but girl’s have a whole other thing going on with hormones at that time, which is part of biological sex unless there are medications taken to shift this in any way. And girl’s grow up navigating a world where anything is possible but it’s still so much harder for it to be possible. We still have not had a women president and…
- 6.4% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women
- 10.6% of board seats on F500 companies are held by women
- 11% of exec roles in Silicon Valley are held by women
I’m not exactly innocent here. I used to want to become an executive, but I’ve given up on that goal. I’m “leaning out,” so to speak. Irregardless of my gender, my personality is just not cut out for it. My objective now is to be really damn good at what I do and hope that keeps me gainfully employed for the rest of my working years — no more ladder climbing. It feels good to let that go. So maybe I’m part of the problem. How can I show a female child that she can do anything when I’ve pretty much decided and accepted that I can’t.
If I have a daughter, will the # of female leaders change in her generation? Maybe. But will I put too much pressure on her to reach for the stars (and not the stars as in try to become a celebrated artist or actress, as my parents had suggested possible, but instead a leader in a role most commonly held by a man?) What if she doesn’t want to be a leader? What if she’s perfectly happy being a follower? That’s ok too — but would I feel like I’ve failed her, if only that I wasn’t brave or strong enough to show her how to be this fierce, independent woman?
On a recent international women’s day panel at my workplace, five extremely talented female senior executives took to the stage to discuss how they got where they are. Most of them pointed to and thanked their strong mothers. Some thanked their fathers as well, but it was clear that these women all had mothers who taught them to be fearless, and were likely fearless themselves. And, the reality is, even at my company, which is a great place for women to work, most of the execs are male. This is not unlike every company out there, especially in tech.
Is this because girls start believing that men are smarter than them at six years old despite outperforming boys in school?
Then, I turn my thoughts to — what if I have a boy? A cute, precious little All-American white boy who has already won the privilege lottery? Although still statistically unlikely, it’s a given that if he wants to, he can run for president and he at least has a chance to win. There won’t be people out there who grumble saying they aren’t ready for an emotional female president. He can be a composer if he wants, or a physicist, or one day enjoy the view from his own corner office. Yes, girl can do all of these things too, and some do, but a girl has to be told she can over and over again — told she can be different — a boy sees he can.
But, I wouldn’t want to hold that against my child, should he happen to be born with male parts. It’s not his fault, after all, that he was brought into this world. And, if he’s anything like his dad, he’ll be sensitive, enjoy baking and work that gives back to the community, and not want a seat in the boardroom.
In some ways, I think it will be easier to raise a boy — but again, that’s all preconceived gendered thinking. Every boy is different. But I’ve seen a trend amongst my friend’s children and the men I’ve known along the way — even my own very sensitive and non-traditionally masculine husband — they tend to process the world differently. Our biology doesn’t define us, but it does influence our personalities, and influence the world which we encounter from the day we’re brought onto this earth out of the comforts of the womb.
I can only speak for my own knowledge of being a cis female, and what I know of the men I know and the women I know. But, men, whether via nature or nurture, do seem to process emotions differently. They also seem less aware of what is going on around them — I can take in many complex elements of information at once without trying and notice when a minor change occurs. It takes substantially more change for my husband to notice these things.
So how would I raise a boy? The only thing I know for sure is that I’d at least expose him to a variety of dance classes at a young age. If he hates them, then I’d certainly not force him to stay with it. But, my husband and I met doing musicals, and neither of us can dance (and let’s face it neither of us can really sing) so I’d like to give this opportunity to my child, boy or girl, but especially to a boy if he’s interested.
In raising a boy, I wouldn’t know how to teach him about how to become a man. Certainly, I’d try to teach him to respect others. But how do you raise a boy when men are expected to be strong and many women (should my boy be interested in women at some point) look for men who still have these masculine qualities? I hate the word feminist but, for all intents and purposes, how would I raise a feminist son? Maybe it will be easier in California. I’m not so sure.
For all of the steps forward we’ve had in opening up to sexualities and gender fluidity in our era of life, there is still so much pressure for “girls to be girls” and “boys to be boys.” There’s plenty of research that shows a girl playing will be told to “be careful” when a boy doing the same thing will be allowed to explore more without caution. A research study shows how the same baby dressed in blue or pink is handled and played with quite differently by the adults who greet it. Although it’s quite concerning that a girl child will be told she’s sweet and provided a doll, I find it even more concerning that a boy is often told how tough he is and not once handed the doll.
That said, regarding going through my old toys, if I have a son, perhaps he’ll enjoy my box of half-headless barbies from the 1980s and 90s just as much (if not more so) than my daughter. And, for a boy or girl, it will be me, not my husband, to share with them a passion for Hot Wheels (I hope my Hot Wheels collection still exists somewhere.) My husband couldn’t care less about toy cars. I’ve always been attracted to the aesthetics of the hot wheels brand.
But, my husband will certainly be able to expose my child, boy or girl, to more masculine activities I don’t have as much interest in — superhero movies (especially anything Batman), video games, and fantasy literature featuring mostly male protagonists. And, if our child, boy or girl, wants to spend time at a museum or learning how to put on makeup (I spent way too many hours as a child dressing up with my mother’s old Ulta palates and clothes), we can do that. I’ll also plan to take my child, boy or girl, to various experiences designed to nurture the creative spirit. My hope is to impart on my child a lesson I definitely did not learn at a young age — that learning isn’t done for the sake of understanding what is already known. It’s done so you can discover what isn’t.
I’m sure I’ll make mistakes with either a boy or girl kiddo — and I’ll have my own preconceived gender notions and interactions which I’ll need to be hyperaware of and fight against. Just as I’ll need to focus on providing the room for a male child to have emotions and be ok with fear and my female child to be brave, I also want them to be whoever it is they are. If we end up with a sports-loving, testosterone-fueled little dude who throws himself in the mud, that’s ok too. And, if my hypothetical little girl can’t get enough of glitter or pink, well, I’ll try to guide her to glitter and purple (mom and dad’s favorite color), but we’ll be open to allowing her to find her own path.
And I hope, at the end of it all, I don’t mess my little boy or girl up, too much.
life with interest 