There are the recluses of society — those who prefer to spend time with cats, nature, or intimate objects to other humans. Then, there are the rest of us. As Bob Merrill eloquently put it in his lyrics for the musical Funny Girl, “people who need people are the luckiest people int the world.” Or, are they?
Just being around other people isn’t a cure for loneliness. “Loneliness is an entirely subjective state, in which we feel socially and/or emotionally disconnected from those around us,” highlights a study in Psychology Todaythat poses loneliness may actually be genetic. The data showed significant indications of loneliness, social isolation, and depression. The depression part comes in due to the genetic factor, due to a “default” reaction to feelings of loneliness in ways that increase our social isolation and depression.
But, I wonder if loneliness is a natural symptom of adulthood — especially in the era of always-on technology. In our growth years, we meet lots of new people, and the energy in discovering the depths of other’s psyches, either in romantic or youthful friendships, brings about an intensity to a relationship that seems difficult if not impossible to capture in adulthood. The only semblance of this connection, once we’ve entered our adults years, is in new romantic relationships — for those who that is an option. For net new friendships, it is extraordinarily difficult to forge anything more than an acquaintance -based scenario built on coffee/alcohol and small talk.
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Introverted or extroverted, some of us are fascinated with what makes other’s tick. Connecting with others who are, perhaps, compatably broken in some way, and looking for common ground. It may be unrealistic to expect these types of relationships in life post adolescence as people tend to not want to discuss such things as they age, unless there is a major life crisis at stake. You know, we share these stories with our therapists and, perhaps, our anonymous blogs, and no one else. We stay silent.
Then, we talk — small. Even to our friends. If we have meaningful conversations about anything it’s usually politics. We nod in agreement at the latest political discussion, or add a few lines of commentary, or take a stand and strongly disagree.
But most conversation with friends is based on things that don’t matter that we’re tricked into thinking do. They’re designed to both distract us from reality and encourage us to spend money on stuff we probably don’t need. As a society we put all this energy into caring about things like sports and pop culture so we can have someting to talk about that seems like it matters…
There are massive businesses designed to distract us — to give us things to care about that are entertaining, yet meaningless. “Did you see that game last night?” — “I can’t WAIT for the Super Bowl/World Series/World Cup” — “I can’t believe so-and-so didn’t make it to the finals on insert-the-name-of-any-reality-tv-show-here.” — Add beer (or choose your poison) to the equation and you’ve entered a world where you can discuss the trivial for hours upon hours and, if you happen to veer into undesirable territory of your authentic self, you can easily blame the liquor. You could never dare to be that emotionally honest without it.
Or, our life becomes our work, which can be greatly fullfilling, but also usually unhealthy if it our work defines who we are — where work is not only our livelihood, it is all we know how to talk about.
It is my realization, nearing 35, that loneliness has nothing to do with being around people. It has everything to do with knowing people. Not many people, but a few people who mesh with your own level of intellectual neuroticism (or lack there of) and — in my case at least — don’t mind riffing for hours on the darkness and light of humanity, and the ways others exist in the world… how we act as rational creatures in tandem with our animalistic hunger and fears.
Perhaps that’s just too much to ask for adult friendships?
With over 1000 Facebook “friends,” 60,000 “subscribers,” 8000 twitter followers” and 500+ people following my Instagram account, and an incredible and loving husband to boot, one would think I’d be anything but lonely. And, I cherish the friendships I do have with those far and near. We all have our busy lives. And, some of us grow apart. Maybe we’ve even exhausted our long talk. Or we never were capable of this to begin with.
Still, I’ve proven time and again I am unable to form new friendships with any substance at this point. I have too much social anxiety to attempt forming a friendship with others who I deeply respect and admire, and I imagine they would be too busy for and uninterested in this type of connection anyway. I’ve never had the confidence to approach someone directly who I’d like to get to know better, with the exception of situations where a few too many drinks made my confidence appear out of nowhere in the worst way (I’ve avoided drinking this much in many, many years.)
Studies constantly report that, on average, people who score higher on tests for authenticity are happier. But in what social settings are we allowed to be authentic, especially if that authentic self is outside of social norms? What if stresses in ones development make one too emotional — too aware of her inner demons resulting in the options of either sharing an authentic self too intense for others or pretending to be happy all the time?
I wonder, for boys and girls, men and women, how loneliness impacts our moods and ability to cope with crisis (real or imagined.) I look at the many boys and men who turn to violence, likely due to a feeling of intense loneliness, a feeling of rejection and alienation that triggers a hatred for all humanity. Luckily, and maybe because I’m a woman, I’ve never felt that. If anything, I turn any such hatred inward — which is not exactly healthy, but certainly a welcome way to handle such emotions compared to the alternative.
There seems to be a desire in modern medicine to drug us into feeling nothing, so we can be “productive” in life. Is this the ideal human state?
Maybe we should be feeling something. Maybe we should be feeling more than just something, and experiencing the beautiful rainbow of emotions that we get to experience as humans, and not be ashamed of any of it. We can use or rational mind to not act on all of these emotions, but feeling them, feeling the highs and lows and all that’s in between, is not a crime against humanity. Being able to share these authentic feelings with not just one person, but a certain number of others, may enable some of us to combat loneliness and the depression it causes.
But, being so in touch with one’s emotions in a world where everyone has conquered a robotic social norm is viciously alienating. We occasionally can let out a hearty laugh in response to comic stimuli, often finding the best humor in sharply pointing out our hypocrisy of being both adult and human. In comedy and in crisis we are “allowed” to be our true selves.
For some who had happy childhoods and a stable development, there may be no need to connect with others at a deeper level. For the rest of us, a constant soundtrack of deep insecurity paired with a genuine passion for helping others discover their authentic self may be both the source of debilitating loneliness and an opportunity to connect with others even more purely than we ever thought possible. With that, I’ll remain hopeful.
life with interest 