On the Myers Briggs, my results typically come out an NFP with the I and E switching out depending on the test. I’m what they call an Ambivert. I long for social interaction but eventually I need to hide somewhere for a least a few hours to an entire weekend to recharge.
The great thing about being an Ambivert is that I’m comfortable in groups of people or alone. The challenge is that sometimes I get overwhelmed by social situations, but if I avoid social situations my energy gets equally drained. It’s a constant balancing act which I’ve yet to figure out.
Life as an Ambivert
As a highly social creature, there is nothing I enjoy more than being part of a small group of people who consider themselves friends. However, as an adult who no longer has said group of friends from childhood or even their college years, it becomes very challenging to rebuild such a network. After living in the Bay Area for 10 years, I’m grateful to say that I have a handful of friends who I respect and admire, but no sense of “group friend” culture.
I find as an ambivert having a group(s) of friends is extremely important. One-on-one relationships are highly valuable, but they put a large amount of pressure on two people to constantly have something interesting to say or do. When you have a group, the pressure of constantly saying something engaging is taken off each of the parties involved, and instead becomes something that is more organic.
As an adult that is part of a couple, it seems one of the only ways to make friends is by befriending other couples. This is further challenging when you are semi introverted and your partner is highly introverted. I have yet to figure out how to find another group of likeminded adults who are interested in circles of friends without requiring the entirety of the couple to participate. We do have a small handful of “couple friends” but the balance of my desire for socialization and his does not align, therefore I need to build my own circle(s) of friends outside of these more “as a couple” adult interactions.
How does one make friends as an adult?
This is kind of a strange question to ask, but it’s a pressing one nonetheless. I’m now approaching my mid 30s, and I’ve yet to resolve this question I’ve asked through the years. Meetup.com seems to be the standard answer I get, but a certain level of social anxiety and then the introverted side of me which makes it challenging to get past small talk to meaningful relationships gets in the way. Then there’s just life and being busy focused on my career and being at fault for not being the best at maintaining relationships.
In general, I’ve always found that I relate more to people at least a little if not significantly older than myself. I’m not sure why. When I was a child I always wanted to spend time with adults, not kids my own age. Maybe this adds to my challenges in developing friendships. I’m more interested in the life stages to come than my own, which I’ve already overanalyzed and am exhausted by. I’m much more intrigued by what happens next. I enjoy the wisdom that only comes with age, or spending time with what one would call “old souls” who are any age.
It perplexes me that with all the wonderful things I have in life — a great job, a loving partner who will soon be my husband, over “1000 friends” on Facebook, and a handful of incredible friends who I see quite sporadically, I still feel this sense of loneliness. I’ve made it a mission to combat that feeling, but I’m not sure how. It’s like you have to go on “friend dates” which can be equally if not more awkward than actual dates because there is no endgame, it’s more or less “do you want to occupy my free time in the future and do I want you to occupy mine?”
… Do we have anything in common? Are you capable of handling my not-so incredibly astute wit? Can we discuss the differences between Bernie and Hillary one minute and the meaning of life the next, followed by a few minutes on a tangent about why we as people do the things we do or perhaps a mild diversion to discuss sociopathy vs narcissisism and the differences between the two? Can we share learnings about investing and calculate the cost of home ownership in the Bay Area and then drown our sorrows with bowling and whiskey? How about a good hour debating gender fluidity and/or questioning the many societal norms? Are we as a group of friends capable of intellectual and occasionally inappropriately hilarious banter that manages to avoid pretense? Is the fact that I wrote that sentence making the sheer act of that impossible? … (slash why does it feel like I’m writing a personals ad?)
What is the Role of a Friend in Adulthood?
As a child, friends are good to have as they become your sparring partners in learning the ways of socialization in life. Before our desire for coupling off develops, we are able to test out our social skills (or lack there of) and make mistakes along the way (often with overly dramatic friend breakups that may or may not be sewn back together.)
As adults, though, if we’re coupled off for good, friendship is certainly not a biological necessity. Having friends is useful, certainly, should you or they need someone outside of the inner workings of your family to lend a helping hand. Friends, however, aren’t paid therapists (despite how mine may feel like it sometimes.) But, come to think of it, I enjoy friendships which can go that deep. Friendships that are only surface-level do not put a dent in the loneliness. As a friend, I do tend to like to play the role of friendapist as well, as I’m intrigued by the inner workings of people, and find it enjoyable to provide advice or help others see their situation from a new perspective (side note / thought: ENFPs are supposed to be psychologists or teachers. In high school my career apptitude test said I should be a priest — which I found amusing and entirely unhelpful since I was Jewish and an atheist.)
In any case, friendship, at its core, is really about having people that you want to spend time with to do stuff with. That can be as simple as hanging out at a local coffee shop or it can be as complex as picking up and going on a crazy weekend road trip last minute because everyone is game and happens to be available. It’s about building shared experiences which later can be referred to with animated stories in a way that’s equally if not more entertaining than the original occurrence of the said situation.
Friendship is experiencing life not alone and not only within your small partner pairing. There is value in experiencing moments with more than just two people. These experiences become more vibrant. You have a deeper understanding of the psychology of each person which makes up your group which makes their interactions and reactions to all that’s planned and unplanned all the more entertaining. And, perhaps, you throw a ball at each other and play some game to pass the time, and later bond over drinks and discussions that refer back to prior moments together. You build up a mutual story. It takes time and effort to develop this, and the older you get the harder it is to maintain these relationships, even if you’ve managed to ignite them. Life gets in the way.
Friend Dating — The Good, the Bad, the Ugly
In short, I have a vague idea of how to meet new people, but no idea how to get over the hump that takes you from “first friend date” to whatever it is that people become once they’re more than just that. It’s much harder when you’re no longer single (because at least if you’re single you have that in common and can spend hours sharing the horrors of nightmare dates, or perusing the market at a local bar) — and when you have children, I hear, your friendships end up centering around what diapers to buy and how your child just won’t sleep, but at least that’s common ground. When your in between these life milestones, it’s quite difficult to acquire new friendships.
Others have suggested that the best way to make friends is through work. Although I am more than happy to be friends with both males and females and do not discriminate, there is an unspoken awkwardness about befriending someone of the opposite gender beyond a professional working relationship. Working in an industry with few women and where the higher positions you obtain virtually limit you to potentially befriending only others at your level, your so-called “friendship pool” dries up.
This is actually a fairly sizable issue. Men tend to stay friends with their male colleagues once they leave a company. I haven’t the foggiest clue what is spoken about at happy hours that are for men only, but I’m fairly certain that I’m not invited, nor do I feel comfortable obtaining an invite. Which is fine (when I try to keep up with men ordering rounds of drinks it can get ugly fast, I’ve definitely learned my lesson)— but, again, it limits opportunities for developing meaningful friendships — especially groups of friends with shared interests over time.
Relatedly, maybe this existential loneliness is due to how society today detaches us (by choice and force) from our families and close-knit networks we had in our early years. I was by no means ever a social butterfly, but I’ve never felt as lonely as I do now as an adult. And that is definitely due to the inability to find and maintain a group of friends. I wonder how many other “adults” out there feel the same. With no religion there is no forcing function to get together in a group weekly and have a shared set of beliefs in which to form a friendship off of. Despite being an adament atheist I’ve fantasized about joining a temple or church just for the forced socialization. Has it really come to that?
life with interest 